Today's memories remind me that eight years ago I was embroiled in something which, had God not intervened fairly spectacularly, would undoubtably have turned into a full blown affair. Given that Jesus tells us that what goes on in our hearts and minds is as good ( or bad) as the deed itself, I guess I was having an affair. It just never developed into a physical interaction. But I was in love with someone who was not my husband and spent the best part of a year trying to deal with the torrent of emotions and turmoil that this entailed. It was a very strange thing to go through. I had no intention of leaving my marriage - when I made my promises for better or worse I meant them. I also had no particular desire to deceive or lie to Keith so I told him from the outset that I was being faced with a huge temptation - in some attempt to try to be accountable for my feelings and actions. Of course with the benefit of hindsight what I should have done was shut down my computer, cut off all contact with the other person and forget about it. I know that. I knew it at the time. But I couldn't do it. All I could do was justify my actions to myself.
I told myself a million reasons why it was all OK. After all I hadn't actually DONE anything. All Id done was talk, message, laugh,feel good. I told myself that the other person involved had gone through a horrible time, was very isolated and needed me to be there.......walking away would have been harmful and awful. I told myself that I was entitled to feel appreciated and loved and the centre of attention after ten years of a very difficult and strained marriage. At the time I was both the happiest and the most heartbroken that I had ever been. Bizarrely throughout the whole time God continued to talk to me and use me, despite the fact that I was clearly walking a tightrope of temptation and disobedience. I think I probably filtered what He was saying to me and interpreted some of what He was saying to fit my own agenda.
The really hard thing for me was that nobody knew. I had nobody to tell what was really going on. One non-christian friend knew some of it. Keith knew some of it. Some close friends knew I was really struggling but not the specifics. But mostly I was on my own. Partly that was because I had no properly accountable pastoral relationship in my life and partly its because my friends are also Keith's friends. In discussing my ailing marriage I would have had to expose and criticise him and I didn't want to do that. Its only now, eight years down the line that its so far behind me that I think I can come out from behind the wall of respectability and christian expectation and tell it like it was. I feel sad, not just for me but for the many many people who struggle really hard to be in their marriages. Temptation is all around. People fall and mess up and fail. Marriage is definitely under attack . If couples do take the step of asking for help it is often only after things have already gone terribly wrong. I don't have any answers
Last year something happened. After carrying a very unhappy weight for years I suddenly felt it lift and God told me that I had been grieving for seven years. Which was interesting because grief has seven stages, and looking back I could see that I had experienced every one of them. The thing about grieving is that it is a process - which means that it changes as time passes and eventually comes to an end. The stages can last different lengths of time, from weeks to years. My depression was getting worse for a long time. I suppose the 'affair in my head' was part of the testing period and finally, six years after that episode ended ( he met a girl and married her!!!) I woke up one day in a place of acceptance. Which changed everything.
So what was I grieving? Well, I think partly I was grieving a marriage which was based on entirely unrealistic expectations. Partly I was grieving everything and everyone I gave up to move to Ireland which I had no idea would have such an impact on me. I was grieving the 'loss' of my forties, ten years which I think I had envisioned would be fulfilling and spiritually fruitful but which were actually a big struggle and pretty arid. I fully acknowledge that whilst I was going through all of this I was pretty difficult to live with. We did try counselling at one point but it just made things worse !! :)
What got me through? A mantra which I told myself over and over and which is definitely true
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, ESPECIALLY NOT FEELINGS. I had experienced heartbreak before, and I had watched both my parents go through divorce and bereavement and I knew from experience that however bad things are, they don't stay the same and that in impossible ways happiness can sometimes arrive out of nowhere. I also know that ' the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things' and that feelings quite often don't tell the truth.
Even in the midst of heartache and confusion and great pain I knew that if I could just hang on in there things would change. Life would move on . God would work it out. And He did. He is.
I think only life experience can teach you this. And usually the experience is tough. You have to go through the fire and come out the other side before you know that coming through is even possible. Then the next fire you face you can go into it confident that having come through before you can come through again. Which doesn't make the flames any less hot. But it takes some of the terror out of the process.
Im now in a different place. I have radically adjusted my expectations. I am no longer grieving and therefore no longer blaming, resenting, demanding. God showed me a few things which have really helped me to understand where things in our marriage were built on weak foundations. Last summer I sense a door closed on something which has passed and now there is a new road ahead. Keith and I will have to work out how to do this next phase much better than we did the last phase. It probably won't look like hearts and flowers. But it will look like acceptance and commitment. I cant speak for him but I know I have changed. I also know where I am vulnerable and I hope that I can recognise temptation better in the future. I'm wise enough to know that the enemy doesn't play fair and when you have a weak spot that's where he will target.
Why don't you ask someone you are close to how their marriage is going? And give them space to answer you honestly. It is hard, but could be lifesaving for someone you know. Or for you.
Hope I haven't shattered anyone's image of the perfect Caz 😊 Thanks for letting me put this on paper and say it out loud. It's all part of the process.
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